"Halloween is just around the corner. I’m all set for Halloween. I got up early this morning and tested the electric fence."

-David Letterman

"These wildfires — what a mess; 1,500 homes have been destroyed. Today, Rodney King asked Mother Nature if we could all just get along."

-Jimmy Kimmel

"More bad news for Barack Obama. He just found he’s related to Bill O’Reilly."

-Jay Leno

"This is what’s great about America: in Pennsylvania, two guys, delivery guys, one for Coke, one for Pepsi. The Coke delivery guy was beaten up by the Pepsi delivery guy. Fortunately, he was treated at the scene by Dr. Pepper."

-David Letterman

"Yesterday, Yankees manager Joe Torres quit after the team offered him a pay cut that would reduce his salary to $5 million a year. Torres said for $5 million he couldn’t even get Yankee tickets."

-Conan O'Brien

"A study on teenage abstinence in sex education reports that more teenagers are wearing underwear that has the slogan “No Vow, No Sex” sewn on the underwear. Let me tell you, if your date is close enough to read your underwear, that virginity thing isn’t going to last."

-Jay Leno

"Good news for the terrorists: Undercover agents posing as passengers were able to get simulated bombs through the screening process here at LAX 75% of the time ... but not one drop of shampoo."

-Bill Maher

"The big story: Dick Cheney and Barack Obama — related! They are eighth cousins. Dick Cheney, Darth Vader? Second cousins."

-Jay Leno

"Mayor Bloomberger wants to plant 1 million trees in New York City. A million trees. They want to create a whole new image for Manhattan. From now on, exploding steam pipes will be called geysers."

-David Letterman