"You know what’s exciting is the ‘American Idol’? Do you folks watch the ‘American Idol’? And you know what? It looks like that kid Sanjaya could win the whole thing. When is Al Sharpton going to step in on this one?”
"Because of the storms back east, over two hundred fifty thousand people are still without power. In fact, it is so bad in Washington D.C., Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had to resort to destroying emails by hand."
"More people running for president. Republican Congressman Duncan Hunter has filed papers to run for president. But in his official filing, he misspelled the word "president.” Political experts say it’s all part of his plan to attract Bush supporters."
"Last night on Fox News, host Sean Hannity said his opinion of the Don Imus scandal is that conservatives are going to be the victims of this. So Don Imus insults the Rutgers women’s basketball team and who’s the victim? Rich white guys."
" A marathon will be run at the North Pole. The winner is the guy who runs 26 miles and can still find his testicles."
"In a recent interview, first lady Laura Bush said she can't fall asleep at night without reading. She says that her nightstand holds so many books she fears it may collapse. I guess that makes it easy to tell what side of the bed is hers."
"I wouldn’t worry about Imus. He’s already working on a new show, "The Amazing Racist.”
"Don Imus apologized to another girls basketball team today: The New York Knicks."
"By God, here’s good news, ladies and gentlemen: our good friend Regis Philbin is returning to his show a week from Thursday, a week from tomorrow. That will be tremendous. And, you know, he had what turned out to be a triple bypass surgery, and the same guys who did my surgery also did Regis Philbin’s surgery. They’re tremendous. And the pain is, you really don’t feel much because they go in through your wallet.”
"And Regis is doing great. He’s in tremendous shape. And I was thinking about it: this is not the first major surgery Regis has had. Are you aware of this? Remember seven year ago, he had Kathie Lee removed.”